Listen up!
Any of youse goes stool pigeon on me,
you'll find yourself in a Chicago overcoat.
Honey, you're not going to talk like that all the way to the wedding, are you?
Or all the way to that over pass?
Hey, at least you look cute! Who picked my outfit?
I did.
My dad and Lorraine decided to have a 1920s themed wedding.
Such a romantic time.
Yeah, Dust Bowls, The Klan, Prohibition.
Oh, I'm sure they'll have alcohol.
Self-serve.
I guess the grease monkeys must be out back shooting dice.
Can they come out here and shoot us?
Oh, God, look down.
Haley? We're going somewhere fancy, okay?
Where? The past?
Hi, Kimmy. You didn't feel like dressing up, too?
What do you say those pretty peepers of yours
never saw the famous gangster Phillinger
and his ex-prostitute getaway driver.
I think a, uh, a sawbuck should do this.
That's too much, I'm gonna get some change.
Enjoy dress up day.
Mom, you need to control your man.
I cannot listen to this character all day.
Guys, you know your dad, you know your dad's dad.
We are up against unimaginable forces of goofy.
Just remember, he does it out of love.
It's Johnny Law, let's hot foot it.
Stop.
Phil.
What the hell is all this?
I got a rush order for my sauce
and the kitchen that I usually use was booked
so I have to do everything myself.
You know, I think I slept funny last night.
No, don't. I know better than to ask for your help.
Ah. Good, 'cause I have a tee time.
On the way, could you take me to pick up my prom tux?
That sounds like something you'd love to do.
I so don't wanna do that.
I'm turning 70 next year. I know, I look great.
One of the few perks of getting up there
is the ability to say no without guilt.
"Can I have a ride to the airport?" "No."
"Do I wanna see your niece's recital?" "Nah-ah."
"Wanna do a walkathon to end Global..."
"I'm gonna stop you right there."
Was anyone in my room last night?
Not after I tucked you in.
Great! I have a monster.
I'm sure you're mistaken.
Nope. And we have to catch him before I go to bed tonight.
Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
Calm down, I'm not gonna ask you to help.
Shapin' up like a pretty good year.
Cake for breakfast. Now, we're talking.
Don't touch that.
I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's costume party tonight.
The theme is famous movie duos.
Daddy and I are going as Leo and The Revenant bear.
You know what?
Where is Pam?
She said she was gonna be here two hours ago,
she has no respect for anyone else's time.
You know, she said she's gonna pop in for a short stay.
It's just like we're supposed to rearrange our lives.
Mmm-hmm.
It's taken me a long time but I've finally learned
that when it comes to Cam's sister
anything I say can and will be used against me.
Do you think maybe we should, you know,
have the bartender cut Pam off?
Oh, God, you know what? She's getting a little bit messy.
Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Go to hell, Mitchell.
You go straight to hell!
Whoo!
Well, her majesty has finally arrived.
I can sense how angry you are.
I know, I know, I'm late.
No, there's no late when you're family.
Although Mitchell was just saying...
What brings you into town? Oh. Modeling.
I'm sorry, modeling?
Real person modeling.
Back home they put me on a billboard for the feedstore and I got the bug.
Wow. Next stop, Hollywood.
Okay, so how long are you gonna be in town?
Well, who's to say?
Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
You can't put a date on a dream. Mmm-mmm.
Speaking of, we need to take me to an audition.
And I'm a little jittery,
so I was hoping you guys would wanna ride along for moral support.
Oh, actually Mitchell and I have...
We have a really busy day, isn't that right, Mitchell?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, this won't take long. Let's go.
On the ride over, I can practice my joint pain grimaces.
Are you okay?
You're good, you're good.
Oh!
Again.
Joe hasn't slept in that chewed up sweater snagger in years.
But Gloria won't let me get rid of anything the kid has ever touched.
So I needed a plan.
Fortunately, when you say no to everything,
it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes.
Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere.
There's nothing underneath the bed,
nothing inside the tepee.
Are you sure?
Yes, monsters need places to hide.
They're not like the evil spirits which are all around us.
What? No, no, nothing, baby, nothing.
Look, my window's open, maybe that's how he got in.
Impossible. If he came across the roof, there'd be broken tiles
or monster prints or...
My monogrammed money clip.
I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew
and I must've dropped my clip on the roof.
I needed to get it before Mom saw.
I can't afford to get grounded.
David Sedaris is coming to Barnes & Noble on a school night.
I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Okay. No.
If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Oh, boy, I do not need a ghost.
Manny, help me out in the garage.
Do I get to say no to things I don't wanna do?
No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful.
Can you get those Easter decorations down for me?
I don't know if you remember, but my back's been bothering me lately.
Uh, do I need to change my shirt? It looks cobwebby up there.
No, just give it a tug.
You know I never realized how close to the edge that cinder block is
to falling right on this beautiful crib.
Oh!
Son of a... You gotta be kidding me.
Come on!
Quite the shindig, huh?
You mooks cool your heels. I've got some hooch for this parakeet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Phil, why are we the only ones in costume?
Oh. You're right, doll.
Something's screwy. The invitation clearly said gangster attire optional.
Optional? Ow.
You dumbasses actually did it. Jerry, get this.
No, Jerry, don't get this.
Uh, all right, everyone, this is Lorraine's son Ray.
Mother daughter. My favorite search category.
Shouldn't you be partially upright on a stages of man chart somewhere?
What? Yeah.
Honey, you need to hear this right now.
Your family's embarrassed. We're the only ones in costume.
You do this all the time. I'm wearing wool underwear.
That's an extra step you chose to take. I'm sorry, I thought this would be fun.
Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.
When you picked me up from school in the hot dog cart.
Repeatedly screaming, "That's what I'm talking about" at my graduation.
Walking to my science fair on stilts.
Your exhibit was on daddy long legs. I had no choice.
Oh, honey, you always have a choice, you just keep making the wrong ones.
Guys, come on now.
Well, look, it's pretty boy Dunphy.
Looking good yourself, Pops.
Well, how're you doing?
Well, I got my rings, I got my vows, now all I need is a way to escape.
Please someone help.
I'm kidding of course.
Actually I'm really looking forward to being married.
Then what's with the getaway bag?
Oh, I gotta ask you to help me out with what I think is a doozy of a surprise.
Come here. Hmm.
Get this. Mid ceremony, you know, when you're asked
if anyone has any objections, I'm going to pull out a Tommy gun
and tell you to skip that part.
Sweet maple syrup, I like it. I'm just getting warmed up.
I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint capsules.
I even hired a few local theater people to help out.
And, um, and Lorraine's cool with all this?
That's the beauty part. She doesn't know a thing about it.
80% of comedy is surprise. The other 20% is wordplay.
Something wrong, son?
I think this might be a terrible idea. What do you mean?
Lorraine might be one of those old fashioned brides
that doesn't want a body count on her special day.
Dad, you and I like to have fun, but not everybody is like us.
Some people think our brand of humor is embarrassing.
Oh, you're right. Maybe I do overdo it.
I remember your mother was really ticked off at me at your baptism
when I kept pretending the holy water was boiling.
Ouch! It's hot.
Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today, don't worry about it.
Thanks, Pops.
But wait, you're still gonna do my funeral the way we talked about, right?
That recording of you banging on that piece of wood screaming,
"Let me out of here!"
It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.
What are you doing?
That accident that Manny caused earlier gave me quite a start.
So I figured I'll pull everything out, and put it back in a safer fashion.
Gloria, could you plug this in for me?
I wanna dust off some of this stuff.
Did you call me outside just for that?
I've got a back situation, maybe Manny mentioned it.
Oh, no, wrong cord. What have you done?
Jeez, it seems like Joe's crib is damaged beyond repair.
No, it's fine. It just froggered across the street.
Leave it there, the garbage man is coming tomorrow.
And you're find with that? You're attached to everything related to that kid.
Yeah, but not to that stupid crib.
Do you know how many clothes I've ruined walking by it?
Nice dresses, sweaters, a pair of high heels.
How do you snag a pair of high heels?
I kicked that stupid thing, how else?
Ay!
My trap worked, I caught the monster.
I got you now, monster. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. It's me, Manny.
Prove it. Do I like vegetables? Only with ketchup.
Manny, what are you doing here?
Uh, I just needed a place to practice
some new dance moves for the prom.
Do it. What?
Do the dance moves.
Uh...
I've to admit that that is very good.
But I know that you're lying.
Fine. I was the one in here last night.
I came in through the window because I broke curfew.
I dropped my money clip and I was just trying to get it back.
Forget about going to David Sedaris.
I was wrong, Joe, there is a monster in this room.
The key to real person modeling
is not to attract a lot of attention to yourself.
This is me thinking about buying a car. Uh-huh.
This is me with a toothache obviously. Oh, this is me smart.
What was that, Mitchell? I didn't say anything.
Thought you said something about that we have a busy day.
No, I'm just happy to be here. Watching her career get launched.
Oh. Hey, tell me if they call my name. I'm gonna go pretty down.
Okay.
Can you believe her? She just barges into our life
and expects us to drop everything and invest in this crazy dream?
Well, she does look like someone who just broke her mop.
Okay, what is going on with you?
I'm not doing it anymore, Cam, okay?
You're too afraid to confront your big scary sister, so you use me to do it.
Well, I'm out, okay.
Until you learn how to confront her yourself,
you're not gonna get that respect from her that you clearly crave.
Okay, you know what? I'm not in the least bit intimidated by her.
Her who? Oh, the lady at the costume store
that Mitchell is pressuring me to go pick up the costumes right now.
Okay, I'm going, Mitchell, my gosh, my gosh.
Hey, give me a dollar so I can get me some gum.
Here. Thank you.
My God, you're perfect. It's happening.
You're absolutely un-remarkable. Terry, get out here.
This better not be another false...
I can't not take my eyes off him. Oh, I'm not here to audition.
Say that again. Yes I've already forgotten what you said.
When they made him, they kept the mold.
Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?
Please tell me you're doing a scene from a movie
and not confused about what a mirror is.
Hi, honey, what's that?
A bag of plastic guns.
My dad was planning a crazy stunt at the wedding
that Lorraine didn't even know about.
There's a whole script for it and everything.
Don't worry, I talked him out of it.
No more embarrassing the Dunphys today.
I heard what you guys said. And I'm truly sorry.
Oh, quick,
what nick name did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz?
J... Never mind.
Hello. Yes, the rings.
Wow, he didn't say JLo.
He also heard that siren and didn't say, "There's my ride."
Did we break Dad?
When was the last time you saw him pick up a can of whipped cream
and not do his, "I've got rabies," gag?
Oh, my God, did we go too far? We knocked the fun out of him.
No, no, no. Stop this thinking.
We are this close to having a normal dad
and you are not ruining it.
Hey, guys, can I have Claire for a second?
Sure.
Ew. They're spending their wedding night right next door?
Calm down. The loudest noise you're going to hear
is Grandpa getting out of a chair.
You look great. How are you feeling? Oh.
Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage, I wouldn't be this nervous.
Oh, I guess it never gets easier.
I remember my wedding, my stomach was filled with butterflies and Haley.
I've always married such serious men. Frank is not that at all.
Oh, I know, but if you can see past that... Past that?
Yeah, he's got a lot of wonderful qualities too.
Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.
All my ex-husbands were accomplished, serious men, but bone dry.
A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made me laugh.
Hope I keep up.
Oh. Who am I telling? You got lucky too.
Sweet victory.
Joe! No, no! Not my hair!
Not my hair!
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?
Nothing, we're painting Joe's wall with monster repellent to protect him.
Looks like you're having fun, huh?
Don't worry, we're not gonna ask you to do anything.
The trick to the corners is... Yeah, we got it.
Go fix yourself a drink.
Right there.
The thing about saying no, you say it too much,
people just stop asking.
You stole my dream.
Would you please stop saying that?
If you hadn't distracted those ninnies with your striking regularness
they would've put me in the national TV ad campaign
instead of neither of us.
Why are you flipping out? I am not in competition with you.
Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?
No. Well, maybe I am crazy.
But I have a damn good reason. Connect the dots, you dummy.
I'm wearing real loose clothes, I need money real bad,
my hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
Uh, you're in love?
No, the opposite. I'm pregnant. Okay. Oh, God.
The family didn't want me to get back together with Bo
on account of he's six parts Shakopee and married.
But I did it anyway and now he's in County for punching a police horse in the face.
And if they find out, then they'll just know
that everyone was right about me being such a screw up.
Oh, Pam, I had no idea. How many months along are you?
Oh, all of them.
Yeah, go ahead, condemn me.
I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours.
This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.
Would you mind going through my luggage and pulling out my after dinner bra?
If I must.
I'm home.
I didn't get picked, thanks for asking.
Well, I have good news.
Mitchell and I are early contenders to win
the best costume in the human/animal category.
What are you doing?
Self-comforting with food.
I've been working on that all morning and it is for a party tonight.
What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake
but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?
Okay, that's it. Pam, you are rude and you're disrespectful
and you are going in for another bite.
Put the fork down. Put it down.
It is high time that you start thinking about somebody other than yourself.
Oh. So that's how you feel? Yes, it is.
Then I guess it is on.
No! You better run!
Get off of me, I wasn't ready!
Then get ready for this.
Hey, that hurts.
Good, then it's working.
Oh, cut it out, you faker. I'm not even touching you.
I assume it's this. Oh... What are you doing? She's pregnant.
What?
Hey! Cut it out!
Oh! Oh, no! I think my water just broke.
Is it on me?
I'm fixing to reproduce right now.
Call 811. No, Mitchell, that's for livestock.
Call 911. I know, I know.
Pameron! Why didn't you tell me? Well, why do you think?
I didn't want to disappoint you.
You know you're the person I look up to most.
You're my family. I am.
Why do you think I came here?
I wanted to be near you when the baby...
But I thought maybe if I got a job first,
I wouldn't look like such a pathetic mess.
What?
I'm so cold. Oh, here, put on Mitchell's bear costume.
Okay, so they're gonna be here in 10 minutes.
I'll never make it! It's coming! Okay. Okay. Mitchell! Okay.
It's all right, we're here for you. Help me get her pants off.
All right, we need to get some pillows up underneath her hips,
to get her birthing canal properly angled.
All right, here we go. Relax. Mitchell!
Wanna make sure that they don't miss the house, so I'm just gonna...
Breathe. Breathe.
Frank and Lorraine, today marks the public and legal joining of your souls,
marriage being above all else, a contract.
Uh, one of my favorite authors once wrote,
"If love is not all, then it is nothing."
"This principle and its opposite
"collide down all the years of my breathless tale."
Seeing Phil bomb up there,
I felt like a mama bird who had just nudged her chick out of the nest
without a single pun to break his fall.
"For man can no more survive without love than a cooper without his billhook.
"Nor a whaler less his flensing knife."
Words as true today as they were when they were written 18,000 years ago.
That can't be right.
Now is the moment when I ask if anyone here has reason to object
to the union of these two people.
Thank you. I object.
I object to you not handing over those diamond rings, preacher.
You hoy'd 'er. Hand over the ice or I fill you full of "leed."
Lead. Honey, what are you doing?
Sorry, Padre. You had your chance, I now pronounce you dead.
When in the world... A lot of questions for a cadaver.
Oh! Oh!
Don't you see? These two's is in on this together.
Mind your own potatoes, Daisy. Oh!
Excuse me, this is my wedding
and your funeral.
And one for the choir boy.
Missed me.
Hey, uh, you guys feel like doing one more paint job?
Only all of us this time?
Sure.
Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. We're born.
You know, um, maybe we should let Pam and the baby stay upstairs for a little while.
Mitchell was just saying... No, he hates when I do that.
I was just saying that maybe you and the baby
should stay upstairs for a while.
Oh, Cam...
We die.
You're all mad with the devil's brew.
And in between,
if we're lucky, we laugh.
Which makes the journey worth taking.
With that in mind...
Do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know,
take Lorraine to be your long suffering wife?
I do.
You may kiss the tomato.
Oh, yay!
Your bed time was an hour ago, senor.
I wanna finish this.
You don't even know how to read.
Stop worrying, there's no monsters upstairs.
That paint works.
Mommy, can you check it?
Okay.
Your mother won't even let me get rid of this sticky old tarp,
she's attached to everything.
Someday soon that will work in your favor.
Hey, careful with that cinderblock.
Man, you couldn't budge that with... Oh!
Great, now I have a swamp monster.